Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
