I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Randomize
