I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
