Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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