i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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