The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
