I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
