I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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