I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
