We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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