I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
