I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
