i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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