I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
