Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
