This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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