apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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