JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
