she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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