Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
