At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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