My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
