1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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