Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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