she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
