you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
