I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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