just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
