Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
