It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
