I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
