There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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