im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
