There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
