if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
