did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
