Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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