I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
