Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
