so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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