You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
