I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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