id be glad to
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
