Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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