She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
