just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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