i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
