Someone shit on the floor
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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