We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
