There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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