I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
