right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
